Part 2. Absolute peace is impossible?
Chaos. What do you picture in your head when you think of chaos? I imagine hurricanes, unorganized schedules on Google Calendar, a desk after crafting something out of paper and glue, my engineering classroom, indistinct chatter of multiple voices at the same time, and my room 30 minutes after I cleaned it. How does it make me feel? Urgency to put things back into order, but also an inexplicable sense of comfort. I know that one sock is in the basket and the other one is under the bed… Or is it under the blanket? Is it in my closet? Ohhh, it’s in the bathroom, alright. See? I knew it haha.
Whether it’s a lost sock or lost time - it’s all a result of chaos.
I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I, personally, can’t remember a day without something being out of order. There is always something to fix, there is always a deadline to meet, there is a person to meet, a room to clean, a book to read, and messages to reply to. It’s like digging a hole expecting to reach a bottom, but there is no bottom. It’s just endless. Suppose, you are working on your college applications right now. You’ve been searching for opportunities, hopping on them, setting and reaching goals, failing, learning, building a network, always looking at the next step your entire high school life (maybe even earlier if you are a control freak like me). Now your senior year is filled with college applications, senior concert rehearsals, prom planning, work, trying to enjoy every bit of time spent with your family and friends because you’re probably going to move cities or countries. Anxiety creeps in. Just as your senior year ends, you take a deep breath, and—- You’re starting college now. New environment, classes, professors, deadlines, research, clubs, start-ups, and—- Wait, do you have time to breathe? Do you even acknowledge your anxiety? You thought once you get to college you were going to have less anxiety, but… Look, I haven’t reached that point in my life yet, I’m just imagining things now.
My point is that if you’re aiming for something big in this life, there is no way you can avoid anxiety. The dilemma of whether to enjoy the present moment or to work hard for your future has instilled a lot of anxiety in me, especially since I came to America. I always feel the urge to “make the final decision” today and live with that belief my entire life. I have become very comfortable with the constant “fight or flight” instinct of “What’s next? Where am I falling behind? What else needs to be done?”. I feel like a CPU. With tasks lined up in front of me, and I am just senselessly completing everything that needs to be completed, solving everything that needs to be solved. Patiently waiting for someone to turn off the computer. Waiting for a burnout. But it’s not coming. I haven’t been burnt out since April of this year. Can someone push the “off” button on me?
I define my inner peace as a point in my life, where there will be no tasks lined up in front of me. Or at least having no anxiety about these tasks. A life where I know I’ll be totally fine if I miss a deadline or two. But that’s impossible. The only two types of people who genuinely don’t give a flying fuck about their productivity are either chronically impoverished or unhealthily wealthy. While the former ones lost hope in themselves and deeply believe they can’t change their lives, the latter group has enough money to not work for the rest of their life (but many of them still continue to work: out of habit or out of greed).
Quoting Iman Gadzhi, a self-made millionaire and a role model that I resonate with the most, “If you have realized how hard it is to succeed, and still choose to go with it, you have to have a mental illness. Seriously, a mentally healthy person would never choose to hustle. Throughout the journey to success, you ARE going to have mental problems. It’s a part of the process. Don’t try to fight it.”
